Dating Dilemma

There are the rules. And then there are the rules. And no one seems to know what they are.

I'm talking about dating in America, and why it's so goddamned difficult.

In Switzerland, my friend keeps telling me, there is no dating. You hang out, you hang out some more, and if you both like each other you somehow effortlessly amalgamize into a couple. We have endless arguments about this, with me petulantly bringing up examples: "Say you go out to dinner with a girl you like--that would be a date, now wouldn't it? Admit it--you'd be on a date!" My friend steadfastly denies this, stubbornly responding that it would just be dinner with someone you're trying to get to know.

I suppose this could be a good thing, for it would take the pressure and guessing away (although I still don't understand how you go from mere friendly hanging out to kissing, since I can't fathom hooking up with any of my guy friends). I usually become so nervous before a date that my Russian roommate forces me to do a shot of vodka with her. If she's not around for the alcoholic support, I've taken to downing a glass of Irish cream. There's so much pressure before a date, the energy is so built up from an hour's worth of wardrobe ransacking and makeup application, that without a bit of booze in me I'm a wreck. No doubt the alcohol isn't a big help, although it's such a tradition I feel it provides a mental boost. Dating is hard, people. Especially if you're a melodramatic American girl comme moi.

"Do they think it's a date?" my American friends and I often wonder. I've seen friends reschedule one-on-one outings or invite more people along, merely on the off chance the person arranging the evening might perhaps, in some teensy part of their soul, have thought it a date. A pal was recently asked to coffee by a Continental European. "Coffee is totally a date in Europe," we decided, so they put it off until a group outing was set up. At one point last spring, during my brief "I'm not dating anyone till I get a job" interlude, I dragged a girlfriend along for happy hour with a guy. Why? So I could pretend it wasn't a date. Dumb? Yes. But making for a less nerve-wracking time? Also yes.

This is where the British, not being Continentals, might have the right thinking. Now, I only have firsthand experience at the university level, but when at uni you happen to repeatedly end up in bed with the same person, chances are you'll eventually morph into a couple. Why bother going out on a traditional date? Enough random drunken snogs and hookups and one weekend you just don't leave the person's room. There. You're together now!

But of course this isn't how Americans do it. No no--we have all sorts of hoops to jump through of varying heights, sizes, and invisibilty. My European friends comment on this mysterious "dating" I seem to do. A lot of it has to do with perception, of course: does a date consist simply of two mutually attracted people going out? Or does a date have to contain an outing or event? The fact I'm analyzing this shows what my friends and I spend an inordinate amount of time pondering. Be that as it may, there are times when you can categorically say "it's a date." This usually involves a traditional activity: going to see a movie, having drinks, or getting dinner. All one-on-one, of course. That's where the shot of vodka beforehand can really help.

And here is where the rules--or rather, the rules--come in. Many of these are considered basic etiquette. But since we modern types don't have coming out parties--and we've never learned things like how a man should always walk on the outside of a sidewalk when escorting a lady--this collection of unwritten activities is, at best, amorphous and ill-defined. Needless to say, this causes problems. No one is operating by the same set of rules, and in fact, we might not know we even know a rule until it's is transgressed.

I should mention that this post was inspired by a conversation I had on a date with a foreign guy. He commented that Americans make it very difficult for themselves to date--and I agree. Seeing it from an outsider's perspective, dating in the U.S. seems not only trite and arbitrary, but also a cause for a great deal of inadvertently hurt feelings. Let's take our last date for an example:

1.) he pays for drinks (good job)
2.) he opens the car door (again, good job, but this was only after I mentioned it during our earlier conversation, and he didn't do it on the second date)
3.) he drives off before I've unlocked my front door (very, very bad)

So was he a rude asshole, or was he merely unaware of American etiquette? Does #1 cancel out #3, with #2 giving him just enough brownie points that it's okay to go out again? Am I being a completely trivial beeyotch? Okay, we don't need to answer that last one.

It's hard not to trivialize matters, because it's in the trivial etiquette that you can extrapolate the potential for the rest of the date (or heck, potential for a relationship). It works for both genders: does he or she have manners? Chances are they'll be excellent in bed! Okay, maybe not.

One famously bad date I went on began with him giving me flowers, which would be a good thing in most people's perspectives. But then he made me go Dutch at dinner. What little romance survived in a comatose state was immediately taken off life support when he forced me to pay for the cab ride back. If only he'd saved his money on the trite bouquet of roses...

I don't have enough time or energy at the moment to discuss the other points of dating: when it's okay to have sex if it's not just a random hookup; when, if ever, you need to talk about how many partners you've had; how the new 'Let's be monogamous' talk has suddenly become 'So I got tested last week; I'm clean'. There are things to consider, such as if it's appropriate to date several people simultaneously (and what the optimum number is--two? three?), and how long you can continue to do this (can you sleep with all of them as long as you're safe, or do you have to whittle things down to one person before you can fool around?). Does your booty call or long-distance lover count as one of those people you're dating? If the woman is more traditional, how many dates does it take before you go Dutch? And how many dates does it take before you're 'dating'--and how long after that are you 'together'?

Oh my god--I'm making myself ill. Not really, but enough so that I have to end this post. And any and all dating. Ever again. Obviously I'm not cut out for it. How can anyone in this country possibly be?

I'm going to move to Switzerland.