The Boys Of Summer

Back in college, my friend Jay would inevitably ask, "So, who's the latest guy?" There was always a story: some crush I had, some guy who had a crush on me. I like to think the tales held a modicum of his interest, or else he wouldn't have asked. Perhaps that's merely my dramatic story-telling nature (because let's face it, there's always a story to be told).

My dating history since college can be summed up as follows:

• 2003: college [boyfriend]
• 2003--2004: worked in London [1 date]
• travelled; home; 3 diff. apts. in Chicago [0 dates; transitional period]
• 2005--2006: tons of dating [15 dates]

Dating 15 different guys--why, that's a marvelous amount! It would be, were not for the fact that a whopping 2/3 of aforementioned dates were facilitated via the internet. Now, I'm not down on the internet dating, people. If anything, I'm extremely envious of those whom it works out for, like my second cousin (marrying a Craigslist girl this summer), and my friend (dating a fantastic guy she met on her very first foray on MediaBistro). It obviously clicks some of the time, but you think I would have realized by now that I'm not good at it. In fact, back in February I solemnly vowed never to go on an internet date again. Lie. I'm sorry, I couldn't help myself! Two guys later, the lesson has finally sunk in. (Again, boys: if you have to ask for a kiss, the answer is no.)

Part of the reason I've been obsessively reading the Craiglist M4W ads is that I miss having a crush. My life, like that of so many young people of either gender, feels incomplete without somewhere to direct my excess affections. Over the past year of dating, there have been brief periods of seratonin-fuelled giddiness, lasting anywhere from a week to a month--but nothing's stuck. Let's not even get into the deeper issues here, which involve me only liking guys I think somehow 'better' than myself, while never reciprocating when guys like me (there must be something wrong with them if so). Inherently poor self-esteem issues, claims a friend, but I lean towards the opposite: perhaps I'm so narcissistic as to think no one good enough to date me. I mean, look at me--I'm writing about this in a blog, fer cryingoutloud! Self-centered, moi?

Part the second of my dating impetus is that I have too much excess energy and nowhere to use it. I learned this during my career aptitude test back in December. Instead of focusing my energy into finding a career where I would--*gasp*--actually use some brainpower, I've chosen to seek succor and fulfilment among the male of the species. All I've gotten out of it are some good stories and the knowledge that my bitterness can be channeled into award-winning blurbs (hence that getting published on Valentine's Day). Yes, yes, well and good. I've grown, I've matured, I've expanded my dating horizons, blah blah blah. Meanwhile my post-college job history can be summed up as follows:

• 2003: job I liked [1, Champaign]; job I didn't [1, London]
• 2004: jobs I didn't like [3, London and Chicago]
• 2005: jobs I didn't like [2, Chicago]
• interview for job I didn't want [1, Chicago]; interview for job I wanted [1, D.C.]
• 2006: interview for job I kinda wanted [1, Chicago]
• Total fulfilling jobs since college: 1 [Champaign, 2oo3]

Fact of the matter is I am not dating anyone until I find a new job. An insurmountable task, you may think (and believe me, I'm with you there). Am I sufficiently weaned from the online dating not to want to do it again? Am I capable of merely dating/relationshiping vicariously? Can I remain firm against the constant desire to find a boy to crush on?

Again, it is quite apparent I need to find a fulfilling job. If threatening myself with a complete and utter lack of kissage will help, then by golly, I'm going to git myself a new job pronto. Besides, I'm inured to disappointment and rejection by now. Thank you, guys.