The Hollow Men

Sometimes I just don't understand men. Why they think that saying unnecessarily flattering comments to girls won't lead them on, I don't know. Personal experience has lead to many such comments, most of which I'd rather not share. Because in retrospect, it's embarrassing to admit I've been lead on by such trite lines as "I wouldn't be dating you if you weren't so darn cute" and "You have a model body." At the time, though, flush with endorphins and seratonin, all a girl wants is to believe the guy means what he's saying. And perhaps they do mean it--for the moment. But that moment passes and they decide they don't like you--and you're left with nothing but hollow words.

My girlfriend was recently swept off her feet by a cute guy she met at a party. Suave, smart, and slightly metro, he whisked her to a swanky bar for a few drinks. Here's what she had to say about it:

What sounded romantic in the Casablanca bar under the influence of grapetinis and amarettos sounded fucking hilarious [when repeated last night to our friends]. If you are ever under the strain of fuckwittage and need a good laugh, here's a list of pretentious quotables that will make you laugh and realize what you are NOT missing:

1) It's like Casablanca in here. You could be Ingrid Bergman, I could be Humphrey Bogart.
2) You have NO IDEA how sexy that is (on me eating my ice cubes).
3) I'm not going to [good law school] Kent, not like my girl ("my girl!").
4) I thought I was good at this (on his lady-hand-job performance).
5) That's good, you've had your orgasm now (faked).
6) I'll let you alone and let you sleep if you can stop being so gorgeous and so sexy. (???)
7) Until you stop being so gorgeous and so sexy, I'll have to be frisky! Rrrrrrreeaaww!!! (cat noise, sexy variation on "meow.")

Sub-quotes on stuff that would lead one to believe wanted second date:
a) I like you.
b) You're incredible.

Not to mention said everything in pseudo-NYC accent.

Now, as far as #6 and #7 go, we've all been in intimate situations where we've said some pretty silly things. I remember once kissing a boy who for some reason he mentioned "Magellan." This I thought entirely hilarious, so kept bringing up explorers. "Vincent de Gama!" I whispered between kisses. "H....M....S....Beagle!" I smirked. Yeah, he took the opportunity to go to the bathroom at that point.

But stupid-bedroom-things aside, I think him saying all that about her being "incredible" was not only uncalled for, but downright dishonest of him to say. If he really did think her incredible, then why didn't he call? Please don't give me any b.s. about it being a one-night stand. If it was, surely he didn't need to bring out the full guns. She went out for drinks and back to his place, didn't she? Why couldn't he have drawn the line somewhere and not made her think there was something more going to continue? That's the problem I have with guys. Don't say things you're not going to follow up on. If the girl's already back at your place, that probably means she likes you. So if you're not planning on going on a second date, please do not make it seem like you want to. Resist all urges to say things you don't mean long-term. Draw the line at "you're great" and leave it at that.

I already had this same discussion with friends of both genders last night. When I stated my belief that girls rarely say things to guys they don't mean, my male friends disagreed. "Girls lie all the time," they cried, "mostly when they don't want to see the guy anymore." I'll give them that. It's true--we do say things we don't mean once the relationship is going down the drain. But tell me it's not just trying to make things easier on the poor guy. Girls try to let the boys down gently, telling white lies not to hurt their feelings. Men heap compliment upon empty compliment on women, until all but the most hardened sceptic gets their hopes dashed when the phone never rings.

So please, all you boys out there: be nice to girls. And by that I mean don't be too nice. If you want to hook up with a girl, it's not necessary to go through a laundry list of compliments. Your personality, coupled with a few choice words, should be enough.

That said, if you actually plan on going on something longer-term, don't let me stop you from expressing everything you've been repressing. Go all out, baby, go all out.

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P.S. You know the Retro Dating Game I wrote about last week? There are photos on the TimeOut Chicago website of me in a magenta cardigan and black-and-white dress, in rows two (right column) and four (both columns), and of my friends in row three (right column).