Friendster is the Devil

Friendster, you see, is the Devil; its minions, thefacebook and MySpace, equally despicable. Oh, of course, they lure you in with promises of your friends writing lovely thoughts about you, and of reconnecting with old friends. Once you believe you are immune to Friendster's wiles it begins its nefarious purpose: allowing people you don't know to contact you.

At first this provides endless amusement during dull workdays. I've chuckled mightily at comments such as these:

From:	Ed
Date:	May 11, 2005
Subject:	Hair
Message:	Looks good

From:	Eric
Date:	May 8, 2005
Subject:	yeah
Message:	ur hot end of story.

From:	mark
Date:	April 30, 2005
Subject:	humperdink
Message:	Hi Theresa I was checking you out, and I like what I see email me If youd like Ill take you out on a date or something. Mark

From:	Ar
Date:	April 22, 2005
Subject:	damn
Message:	girl! you got me str8 tripin boo. you are beautiful! I would like to get to know u more and be friends.

Most messages are innocuous and polite. Comments have ranged from remarking on fellow left-handedness to coming from a farm or studying in Wales. Three or four have pointed out how nice it is I like Monsoon Wedding (one entitled: "What can Brown do for you?"). I've responded to a couple of people--although the guy who performs "paranormal investigation ghost hunting" I didn't quite feel like engageing in discourse with, my X-Files love aside.

I've gotten my fair share of chain emails (ones that begin several long paragraphs with "Let me tell you a little about myself"), so wasn't particularly surprised to receive the following:

From:	V
Date:	May 14, 2005
Subject:	Hey
Message:	Hello there, I liked your profile and would love to get to know you better. The following link has my picture and more on me. Take a look and let me know if you'd be interested in talking/meeting. http://www.myspace.com/[his profile] Looking forward to getting to know you.

It was the link to his MySpace profile that intrigued. Bored--and having just signed up for MySpace to check out a friend's crush--I clicked on the link.

A mere single photo (small--possibly airbrushed) of a handsome man graced the following:

About me:
There is a high probability that you will find me very appealing on the physical, mental and emotional level. Physically, I am very good looking and athletic i.e., tall/dark/handsome. Mentally, I am razor sharp and matured. Emotionally, I am secure, confident and extremely capable of love, lust and passion. I exhibit a combination of style and substance and have an outgoingly pleasant personality. I have a cosmopolitan background and am cultured, refined, well read/traveled and classy. I am extremely passionate and give everything my heart and soul; be it family, friends, work, romance, sex or anything else. I am a man's man and a sensitive soul, both at the same time. If I have tickled your fancy, e-mail me.

Who I'd like to meet:
I am looking forward to meeting someone who is mentally, emotionally and physically appealing. A hint of confidence, wildness and attractiveness never hurt a woman! I can tell immediately if what I see is what I like. Appealingness comes in all kinds, so I do not have a set type. However, the Livin' Lavida Loca kind-of-a-girl would be fabulous. I want an equal, someone that challenges me and keeps my interest. Must have confidence and passion in abundance and a reasonable dose of sweet/spicy/wild demeanor.

His unabashed arrogance disgusted me no end. Was it his opening line, where he outright said there is a "high probability" most people would find him "very appealing"? The line where he stated he's "cultured, refined, well read/traveled and classy"? Or his mis-use of that most wily of punctuation marks, the semicolon? Now, I know both narcissists and knockouts (sometimes a combination of both), and have never heard anything so utterly self-centered. I thus fired off the following:

To:	V
Date:	May 14, 2005
Subject:	A few thoughts
Message:	I find your lack of modesty quite underwhelming. I also find it interesting that you can't seem to put up more than one photo. Finally, kudos for the very personal letter--it really shows your interest. Theresa

I shouldn't have been surprised that he fired off the following half an hour later (or that his only friend on Friendster is a group for Gold Coast girls and the people who like them. See my last post for what I think of Gold Coast-ites).

From:	V
Date:	May 14, 2005
Subject:	Re: A few thoughts
Message:	Well, thank you for the compliments! I find your lack of civility and decency quite, shall we say, disappointing. I also find it interesting that someone claiming me to be lacking in modesty seeks a collage of pictures to satiate an inherent deficiency within themselves. And, finally, your presumption and "positive" demeanor speak volumes about you. That said, if your unsolicited comments were intended in good sarcastic humor, consider my response to be the same. Under such a circumstance, we can move to pleasantries and try to get to know each other so that I will have enough information about you to write specific and very personal letters to you that shall make you happy. On the other hand, if things are as they appear to be, I shall not partake in any subsequent petty repartee as your paranoia is neither of my making nor to any normal person's liking.

Oh, to be a courtier in 17th-century France, or a small-time newspaper editor in the 1800s, skilled in the art of witticisms and with an ability to put someone in their place with a few well-chosen words. But alas, I am not, and I have already wasted too much time on this futile copying-and-pasting. If anyone has ideas of snarky responses, please comment below. I won't promise to pass them along, as I think it will just encourage our dear friend V. That is, unless they're really good.